The First and the Best

Hey everyone! This is my FIRST REAL BLOG POST, and I am super nervous.

Since the moment I launched my site last week, I thought, “Oh shoot, now I really have to come up with something every week.” All through the weekend I was brainstorming about what I could post…. I felt like I have to prove myself… but really, I don’t have to prove anything.

Too often we hold ourselves to impossible expectations. We want to be the “BEST” at something that we have never done before.

I did so much research on how to be a great mom. I knew that it would be hard but I held myself to a standard. Once my baby was born, if something didn’t go according to plan, I felt like I failed my daughter and my partner.

The simplest things would happen and I’d panic or get upset. I was in a toxic cycle of “IF this didn’t go my way, I am a bad mom and I’m not good enough.”

For example:

  • During the first few weeks – If she didn’t latch easily (during breastfeeding), I’d think: something must be wrong with me. This is supposed to be an instinct – or something – why am I struggling??
  • If I can’t  put her to sleep within a “reasonable” amount of time, I stress out. I think: WHY CAN’T I PUT HER TO SLEEP?? CAN SHE SENSE THAT I AM STRESSED OUT? SHE ISN’T COMFORTABLE WITH ME. SHE LOVES HER DAD MORE THAN SHE LOVES ME!
  • Baby won’t eat the food that I make for her, I think: WHY CAN’T I FIGURE OUT WHAT SHE LIKES? WHY WONT SHE EAT FOR ME? WILL THIS EVER WORK??

There are times when I just sit and cry. I hold my baby and cry. Take a shower and cry. Cry on my drive to work or on my way home. There is always this dull feeling in the back of my mind that I am  not good enough and will never amount to my potential.

. . .

When I came off of maternity leave, I thought I would be able to jump back into the swing of things… In reality, I couldn’t focus on anything. I felt scatterbrained. Actually, I was/am scatterbrained. I was glad to have a little break from home but it was too long. I missed my baby. I was not comfortable in my own skin (not my normal size). I constantly felt like I had this image to uphold. I constantly tortured myself with these all these questions and accusations, as if it would make anything any better:  Why aren’t I a good mom? Why can’t I focus at work? Why do I want a break from my family? Why do I want alone time? Does my baby miss me? Does she even care that I am gone? Will she forget me? Why am I struggling so much?

No matter how many motivational posts I read, no matter what kind words my friends and fiancé told me… I could never get any of it through my head.

. . .

I am starting to realize now  that as long as my baby is healthy and happy, I am a good mom. As long as I am healthy and happy, I am a good mom. Even when I am not healthy and happy, I am a good mom.

After a few months, when I started to prioritize my workouts and healthy eating, I started to cut myself a little slack. The better my body felt, the better my heart felt – to an extent. Once I realized that everyone is struggling (even those who I thought had everything perfect), I started to cut myself a little bit more slack.

I have to be nicer to myself. I have to talk to myself like I would talk to a friend. I have to be kind, encouraging, and forgiving to myself too.

. . .

Now I tell myself every day that I am a good mom. I am the best because I am trying my best. My daughter sees me and smiles because I am her mommy. I am good enough. I am doing my best with what I have and I am definitely fortunate to have so much.

I am MY best because this the first time I am doing this mom thing and trying to balance it all.

This first post is MY best because I put myself out there and I will keep getting better and better.

Don’t compare your best to the fictional character in your head. I am here to say that we are good enough. We are doing our best. That person in our head doesn’t exist and never will exist. Even if we don’t believe that right now, I hope we will soon.

**champagne and confetti**

Jalynn

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