Here is what I wrote while home completely alone for a few hours. No baby, no man, no one but me, and my plants, and God, and the spiders, and my guardian angels lol:
My fiancé was going to visit his mom’s house. I told him to take our daughter with him so that I could get some studying done and have a little break. As we were getting her ready to leave, I kept saying that I will miss her while she’s gone. He kept saying, “I can leave her here, I don’t have to take her”. But I was like no, take her, this will be good for me. I need to practice being home without her.
This is the second or third time in her whole life I have been home without my daughter here and I feel the void in my heart. Like in the pit of my chest. I know she’s only going to be gone for an hour or two, but it is agonizing. I keep listening for her voice and movements out of habit! The silence in my house is deafening without her here. I miss her. It has only been 10 minutes, but I miss her.
Am I experiencing separation anxiety??? I have no problem leaving her at home for an hour or two. But when she leaves without me, I’m a wreck!
Why do I desperately want quiet and want a break, but when I finally get it, I don’t know what to do with myself. Yes, tears are falling from my eyes as I type this because, although I’m happy to have some time to myself, I weirdly don’t want it. Even when I go out to the gym or the store or with friends, I still subconsciously rush back to her. What’s up with that?
That beautiful little fireball is my everything. When it’s time me to go back to work in the office full time, it will be a big adjustment for me again. It will be like coming back from maternity leave all over again – minus the initial nervousness about pumping at work and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I will just miss my little girl.
Let me go and do some work with the quiet time I’ve been wanting to have for months. Hopefully I can concentrate and make this time worth it.I typed this while I was in a very vulnerable state because I was texting my friend about it. Then she fell asleep on me so I was really alone. So, then I thought: ooh this would be great blog material on one of the trials of motherhood.
I’ve never really heard of a mother having separation anxiety. I know children have it, but you never hear about the mother experiencing it. I even looked up the definition… separation anxiety is described as, “anxiety provoked in a young child by separation or the threat of separation from their mother or caregiver”.
Why isn’t there a definition for the mother or caregiver experiencing the anxiety? When I talk about feeling this way with certain people, they say, “oh you should be glad to get a break, stop holding that baby hostage”… but its not always that simple. I DO WANT A BREAK. But I do miss my child and feel weird and have anxiety when she is not around. Why would I send my daughter away for no reason? Just so I can sit at home being miserable?
Think about it, the baby is a part of your body for months, then the baby is pretty much always next to your body for months, then the baby is away from you. It seems like a flawless progression, but it’s still hard!
When I hear about how moms let their babies go away for the weekend or take weekend trips and other things, I am happy for them, but I just get stressed out because I don’t want that long of a break. At least not yet! I’m tired of being guilted when I don’t want to leave my child! Especially at this young age. I know I can’t be the only one who has these feelings!
If you are experiencing separation anxiety, let me know, man! Tell me I’m not alone! I feel like it is normal or should be more normalized. Don’t let people shame you for not wanting to be away from your kids. There is a healthy limit, though, like when you have to prepare them to go to school (unless you homeschool).
But this mom stuff is hard. Especially when you finally get the break you’ve been wanting and you are a wreck because you have it. Maybe one day I’ll be glad for an afternoon break from my child…
***champagne and confetti***